Jokes of the day!

[judyb57]

 

[Johnathon]

I live in a place where all the kids still leave their bikes laying out. LOL I don't lock my shed and half the time my wife forgets to lock her car at night. Everyone around here watches out for one another and everyone owns guns. Do you have any idea how low the crime rate is in a place like this? The police don't have much to do other than writing traffic citations.

Today's Great Jocks ...

 

[Luck3Sevens]

I have a spare room Luck3Sevens

Ok, but you have to beat Twobears' sales pitch! :flrs

 

[dani3839]

 

[vixen777]

 

[twobears]

 

[dani3839]

 

[vixen777]

Thats me .. my music is super loud!

 

[twobears]

Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches... the bad news is that it will require castration." You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He woundered if he had anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, "that’s what I need .. a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I’d like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let’s see... size 42 long." Joe laughed, "That’s right, how did you know?" "Been in business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "how about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said "sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said "let’s see...34 sleeves and...16 and a half neck." Joe was suprised, "that’s right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years" Joe tried one the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked "how about some new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said "sure!"

The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said "Let’s see... 10-1/2...E." Joe said astonished, "that’s right, how did you know?" "Been in business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked "how about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "sure!" The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said "Let’s see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." "The salesman shook his head, "you can’t wear a size 34, it will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

 

[dani3839]

 

[judyb57]

 

[Stan Rogers]

Some awesome jokes here! But the Jack Daniels one is the best. Thanks for making my day!Some awesome jokes here! But the Jack Daniels one is the best. Thanks for making my day!

 

[JPSJR]

HA

• -------------------------
  Jack Daniels Fishing Story
  -------------------------
  
  I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.
  
  Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
  
  Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
  
  A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.
  --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  

  • 
    
    
    -------------------------
    Wooded Ravine
    -------------------------
    
    One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
    The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
    
    Jim calls out to his golfing partner in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."
    
    Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?"
    
    Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."​

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• Thought of the Day:
  
  “There comes a time in your life,
  when you walk away from all the drama
  and people who create it.
  You surround yourself with people
  who make you laugh.
  Forget the bad, and focus on the good.
  Love the people who treat you right,
  pray for the ones who don’t.
  Life is too short to be anything but happy.
  Falling down is a part of life,
  getting back up is living.”
  
  ~ Author Unknown​

HA

 

[twobears]

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield

 

[twobears]

 

[judyb57]

 

[twobears]

 

[CareyG]

All the time!!!

 

[twobears]

 

[CareyG]