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Jokes of the day!
- Thread starter weesie
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As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, ...and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says " Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "F**k him, give him a dollar." The blonde then smiled and said, "The breakfast was my idea."
A farmer named Brian had a car accident, he was hit by a truck owned by the Yorkshire brewery.
In court, the Yorkshire Brewery's’ hot-shot solicitor was questioning Brian.
'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Brian responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my cow into the... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Brian said, 'Well, I'd just got the cow into the trailer and I was drivin' down the road.... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge had become fairly interested in Brian's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his cow'.
Brian thanked the Judge and proceeded.'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded the cow into the trailer to take her to the Market and was drivin' her down the road when this huge Yorkshire Brewery truck and trailer came thundering through a stop sign and hit me trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and the cow was thrown into the ditch on the other side of the road. By God I was hurt, very bad, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear my cow moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident, a copper on a motorbike turned up. He could hear my cow moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.
Then the cop came across the road, gun still in hand and smoking, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now what the **** would you say?'
In court, the Yorkshire Brewery's’ hot-shot solicitor was questioning Brian.
'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Brian responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my cow into the... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Brian said, 'Well, I'd just got the cow into the trailer and I was drivin' down the road.... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge had become fairly interested in Brian's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his cow'.
Brian thanked the Judge and proceeded.'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded the cow into the trailer to take her to the Market and was drivin' her down the road when this huge Yorkshire Brewery truck and trailer came thundering through a stop sign and hit me trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and the cow was thrown into the ditch on the other side of the road. By God I was hurt, very bad, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear my cow moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident, a copper on a motorbike turned up. He could hear my cow moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.
Then the cop came across the road, gun still in hand and smoking, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now what the **** would you say?'
- Joined
- Jan 17, 2008
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- 84,643
Blonde Ice Fishing Joke
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and
finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy camping stool, she started to make a circular
cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THIS ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a cup of cappuccino
from her thermos, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THIS ICE!"
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the
ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THIS ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward! and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied,
"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!"
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and
finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy camping stool, she started to make a circular
cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THIS ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a cup of cappuccino
from her thermos, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THIS ICE!"
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the
ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THIS ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward! and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied,
"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!"
