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- Feb 25, 2008
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:0))If you can read this whole story without laughing then
there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
(I've read this probably 5 times and it never fails to
reduce me to tears of laughter). Hope it does the same
for you!!!
:#1 If you pay attention to the first two judges, the
reaction of the third judge is even better. For those
of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true
this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the
time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major
portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park
. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named
Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .
Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called
in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call
came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during
the tasting, so I accepted.'
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
*****************************************************
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this
stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to
be taken seriously..
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.
I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC....
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a
chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to
burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB
woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear
waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
*****************************************************
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable ! kick. Very
impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ! ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it
[FONT=Times New Roman] from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.[/FONT]
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me
to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself
when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the
chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my ass with a snow cone.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge #
3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight
in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of
rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy,
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of
it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder
how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
(I've read this probably 5 times and it never fails to
reduce me to tears of laughter). Hope it does the same
for you!!!
:#1 If you pay attention to the first two judges, the
reaction of the third judge is even better. For those
of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true
this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the
time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major
portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park
. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named
Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .
Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called
in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call
came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during
the tasting, so I accepted.'
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
*****************************************************
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this
stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to
be taken seriously..
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.
I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC....
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a
chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to
burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB
woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear
waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
*****************************************************
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable ! kick. Very
impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ! ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it
[FONT=Times New Roman] from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.[/FONT]
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me
to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself
when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the
chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my ass with a snow cone.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge #
3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight
in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of
rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy,
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of
it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder
how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report