WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

[redfawn]

Hi streak, i need some input on how to handle a problem i have with my son. I'm so pissed with him i just wanna :arggggg!!! I will try to get to the point quick. He came here 15 months ago. With him he brought a girl and all their stuff. I had no problem having him here but she was something else! When asked to help clean the dishes or pick up after herself or even get a job all i got was no! She and he both stayed here for 4 months rent free and i couldnt stand the lazy slob. He at the time was 25 she was 22. Old enough to help out i would think. Anyways they both came from Kansas so i didnt know what to do about her and i ended up talking to my son and he said well mom..i dont want to be with her anymore and i said well you better find a way to send her back home then. He did. Now not a month goes by and he meets another sweet girl and leaves her 7 times! He moved out after a month and moved in with her for a month then back here then out again then back here and so on. I am so sick of it. I love him with all my heart but i cant take anymore. He just moved back in again 2 weeks ago and now he is moving in with some people he knows. He hasnt paid a dime here and we have given gas money and money to help him. He has a job but thats another problem. He wont stick with it. In the last 15 months he has had 8 jobs! He says he gets bored. We told him he has to pay $200 rent and that includes all bills. Now he calls from his friends home and says..hey mom guess what? I get to live here for $150 a month. I feel hurt and used. He doesnt plan on paying us at all. Should i tell him once he moves out he cant move back in?? Am i being to harsh? We cant keep bailing him out when things dont go his way. The girl he is seeing again is so sweet and im afraid he is going to hurt her all over again. She is somewhat slow and he keeps leaving her when he gets mad and moves back with us. Last time he left her she had to go to the hospital because she lost it and i think this is very cruel of him cuz i KNOW he will leave her again in a month or so. Please someone i need some advice. Thank you for any advice friends.

 

[judyb57]

Redfawn, have you heard the term "Tough Love"? This is an excellent time to use it. Tell him this is it. If he moves out, he needs to stay out. Time to push the baby bird from the nest and stick to it. If he doesn't move out, set some rules for him and tell him it is YOUR house and as long as he lives there he will abide by them or he is out the door! No matter how hard it is to separate yourself from his "love life", you have to. Let it go hon. He will be fine trust me, I know. This is hard to do, but you have to do it and stick to your decisions.

Good luck and no matter what you do, just tell him you love him and will always be there for him but not as a flop house!

(Giving advice is always so much easier than handling ones own problems!)

 

[redfawn]

Thank you Judy hon, i sure appreciate your advice! I feel just rotten but what you said is true and i must do what needs doing. He will be 27 in March and he needs to grow up! I'm not worried about him..it's his girlfriend i worry about. He bounces back and he's always the one to dump her. She doesnt bounce back so easily. He does this thing that burns me up. If he's with her and meets another than he thinks wow! I can let Kimmie go and go for this one. Then the new girl doesnt call him back and he whines about it and says he cant find anyone and wants to cuddle. So who does he call yet again? Kimmie! It's not fair to her. Judy, she is like my oldest sister Debbie. Mentally slow. She's in the special olympics. I feel he's using her..I take that back i KNOW he;s using her and it makes me livid. I know i have to let it go and i shall. I am done being an open door. He thinks oh well, if this doesnt work out i will go stay with mom. Makes me crazy lol. Thanks again for your help and for letting me vent.

 

[loufreekc]

Yes redfawn t-love i moved out when i was 17 and i got in bad spot when i was 22 and had 2 move back 2 my moms.Which i love her w/ alll my heart but we dont get along 2 well living together. I moved back 2 save some money 2 get back on my feet. And she was just as reasonable as you are being.I had 2 pay rent and she was just a reasonable {like $150 a month & this was 16 yrs ago , so whats that now these days at least $300} & as long as i was living there i had 2 mow the grass etc. Him calling you up saying i can stay here for $150 , hes just being spiteful, us males are like that sometime. And if has 2 pay rent somewhere steady {not your house } He will defineteky not quit so many jobs when he has 2 come up w/ $. He"s using use a crutch 2 keep moving in & out.Put your foot down. I know its your son, but me & my mom went round & round. Trust me in the long run he will understand . Good luck hope this helps

 

[CareyG]

I would have you given you the same advice as Judy dear. Tough love! Although it will be hard as hell because you love your son so much but in the end it will be the best thing for him and YOU!​

 

[Spin2Win]

I agree with the tough love approach.

The BEST advice I EVER got from someone when dealing with "difficult, heart-wrenching" situations; similar to yours; was this >>> "You may lose them TEMPORARILY, but will gain them back PERMANENTLY in the end."

Soooooooo very true! More times than not it works!

I'll be prayin for you .... unconditional love can really hurt sometimes, huh?

((((( hugs )))))

 

[vixen777]

You need to kick that boys A$$! Your doing a great job and you just need to toughen up some on him dear

 

[Gamblogger]

Sorry, but I think I have to disagree with the others. Maybe because I'm in a similar situation...

I don't have the girlfriend problem -- my son and his girlfriend are inseparable. With him it's the job thing. He's 22 and can't seem to figure out what he wants to do so keeps trying different things. Lately he's only been working part time and not paying his $400/month rent. Kick him out? No way. I'll be his safety net for as long as he needs one. I didn't even begin to figure myself out until I was 30 and am still a little confused sometimes! lol

 

[redfawn]

Thank you friends for all your help, support and advice. I really appreciate it. I just spoke with him and he wants to move out tomorrow sigh. I am ok with it but i had to make it clear to him that he must take care of his respnsibilities. I understand that his friends are his age but i am also trying to make him realize that when you live with others it isnt always wine and roses. I know his track record and he has this thing about i will pay this much and pay the rest later and never does. That wont work there as it has here. Gamblogger..i would never kick my son out..this is his choice. But he also needs to know that enough is enough and he cant think well if i dont pay and they kick me out i will just go back to moms..she will take care of me for free. I will always love and support him but he's almost 30 now. He will be 27 in March. When i was his age i had my own place, a job i kept for years and i was responsible. We have many debt collecters calling here all the time. He took out a loan at some quick cash place and says to me they will get their money when they get it. He had a friend sign for him and then lose a scion tc and now she loses her truck because he didnt pay. He got a tittle loan then sells the jeep to some guy and didnt pay that either until the other day when he was threatened with jail time by the company because he sold something that wasnt his. The list goes on and on. I have never known anyone at his age in so much debt.

 

[lucky639]

27yrs. old? I agree with everyone. Tough Love! He needs to grow up and do not feel guilty about that!!!

 

[MotelPrisoner]

Redfawn,

I agree with the tuff love approach also. I know it's hard right now. But I also know that he will come to love and respect you more when he does "grow up" for making him find his own way.

Whoever said that you can't control what he does to Kimmie was right also. It's a shame that he has so little regard for her feelings, but in reality; there is not a thing YOU can do to change that part of him. Sure, you can tell him it's not right and all that...but he will still do what is convenient for him.

Just remember not to alienate your entire household for one family member. He has no more rights than any other member of your family. Eventually, he will tear your family apart if he doesn't change his ways while living in your house. Tuff love is a good thing for every member of your family, in this case.

I'll pray you get some peace of mind and he gets his act together.

 

[iataz]

I agree with everyone else.. he needs to grow up and find his own place in life.. you are only enabling him to stay in the Peter Pan syndrome..


and a very good book to read is Co-Dependant No More by Melody Beattie